Vol. 1: It's All Coming Back To Me Now

It was more than any laws allow. (Did you know that was the lyric? I sure didn't.)

My first weekday when I was no longer employed by the job I’d had for my entire professional career fell on Valentine’s Day. My son went to school, and my husband had the day off as well (he works for a tech company that employs “days of rest” to help employees strike work-life balance - what a concept!!). I had big plans for the day: complete the laundry that had been in the hamper for weeks, finish the book I’d been reading, get a fancy takeout dinner with my husband, watch my favorite dishy reality show that had just dropped its second season on Netflix.

Other than the takeout dinner, I did none of these things. Instead, I slept. After seeing my son off to school, I crawled back into bed and napped for the bulk of the morning. I dragged myself up to eat lunch, and changed into some athletic wear. I was going to work out! Nope. I took another nap, this time in leggings and a tank top! I was a little disappointed, but I was trying to listen to my body. I clearly needed this; my final few weeks at work had been hectic, to say the least, and my overstressed body was waving a white flag.

The rest of that first week looked much the same as that first day. Sure, I took care of that laundry, and I finished the last 20 pages of the book, and I visited with a few friends. However, mostly, I slept. I was shocked at how tired I felt. I would wake up in the morning and be starved for more sleep; my energy level flagged with my son after only a few minutes of playing. I couldn’t even muster the drive to watch a new show or start a new book. The first few days, I was at peace with this. By mid-week I was antsy. I wanted to get things done but couldn’t bring myself to do anything. It was like being in the throes of a depressive episode. Would I ever feel not exhausted again? (I’ve… never been a patient person. And that’s saying it mildly. If I’m fixing something, I want it to be fixed NOW.)

That Friday, however, I woke up and the fog had lifted a bit. I felt rested, at least partially. I still wanted a cup of coffee, but I didn’t immediately plan the next time I could be in my bed. Feeling incredibly hopeful, I enjoyed that coffee, hopped on my Peloton,* and queued up Robin Arzón’s recent live DJ ride. It was a fantastic playlist, celebrating the great DJ John Michael’s seven-year anniversary with Peloton. I adore him, and the ride wasn’t rated as being incredibly hard, so it felt like the right one for me.

Those vibes were correct, but not for the reason I expected: about halfway through the absolutely stellar playlist, Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” started. Now, this song is having a comeback, and I’m into it, but I was still not excited, as my workout music preferences tend more towards the upbeat (pop bangers, fast rap, angry rock). My thoughts progressed like this:
“Great song! Weird for a workout, but okay!
Man, especially this far into the ride.
Bit of a slow build here.
Homage to TikTok. Love it.
Oh my god.
OH WOW.
I FORGOT HOW GOOD THIS SONG IS.
YES CELINE YES!
BABY BABY BAYBAYYYY IF I”
There were no more thoughts, because it was just me scream-singing and whipping my ponytail and sweating into my eyes for the rest of the track.

It was a little on the nose. I knew that even in the moment. But I’d never had an actual honest-to-god needle drop moment in my own life before! It was exactly the song I needed, exactly when I needed it! I’d roll my eyes at that if it were in a movie!!

I was doing it. I was turning a corner. After months of ennui and stumbling through my life, checking things off of to-do lists, I was remembering the activities I used to do for love, whether it was six months ago or six years ago. I am not exaggerating when I say they started pouring into my brain during the song. Eating pizza at a bar with friends! Cross stitching! RuPaul’s Drag Race! Walking along the canal path near my house! Movies! Face masks! Reading for pleasure! Baking! Resting with no caveats! RIDING THIS BIKE! (I have never sounded more 35 in my life.)

Did I cry during this ride? Yes. Was it the first time I’d cried during a ride? Positively not. But was it the most productive cry I’ve ever had on the bike? Hell yes.

It’s a process, returning to myself. It’s a process getting pieces of myself back that I’ve suppressed or forgotten about or lost. In the past two years, I became a mom, during a global pandemic, with a job that took a lot from me. But I can be who I was before and let it shape and direct who I will be in the future. Having the mental and physical space to do that is an immense privilege, and I recognize that literally every day. That day helped me realize that it’s a careful balance between work and rest, this process of rediscovering who I am. A gentle build to an epic belting chorus, industrial fans blowing your hair back, embracing all of what’s to come.

Image courtesy of the great and good Emily McDowell

* Look, if you know me, you knew I wasn’t getting through a self-improvement story without mentioning my beloved Bike to Nowhere. I would apologize if I were sorry about it.

Things I will talk about in this Substack

• Books, television, movies, music, podcasts, Internet reads, and other pop culture that I’m enjoying.

• Mental health - transparency is important! Keeping an open discourse about it is what helped me get myself help when I needed it.

• Parenting - I AM NOT AN EXPERT and this will not be that kind of content. It’ll mostly be me like, “parenting, right? WOOF” and other articulate musings.

• Peloton, and other ways of moving around that I’m enjoying. (That’s basically just yoga. God, I miss studio yoga.)

• Recipes I’m making and/or have made that I want to share, like a proper group text of 35-year-old women (hi, Bitches)!

• Anything else for the good of the order! No rules (except that, for a number of reasons, I won’t be talking about my past job or about any job I get in the future - boundaries being important and all that).

What I’m enjoying right now

• A bunch of library holds for romances just came in and I’m juggling on my CloudReader app, but I’m slowly poring my way through Sick in the Head by Judd Apatow on my Kindle. He is a comedy nerd of the highest order, and he takes a lot of care with his interviews with his (very funny) friends.

• The Oscars are coming up, so I’m watching all the Best Picture nominees (love the advent of streaming everything). My favorite so far is CODA, and I’m not afraid to admit that. Yes, it’s low hanging fruit. But I picked that fruit. I cried like a baby for most of the last 20 minutes.

• Tunde Oyeneyin’s podcast, Fitness Flipped, is only two episodes in but is an absolute delight so far. On her first episode about burnout (too on the nose, Tunde!!!), her guests were Anne Helen Peterson and Phoebe Robinson. Chef’s kiss perfection.

• Yelling GAY in the general direction of Florida.

• I made this Vietnamese green bean stir fry with beef instead of pork yesterday night for dinner and it was delicious, easy, and a hit with my picky husband, so it’s officially in the rotation. (Griffin hated it. This whole “feed your kid the same thing that you’re eating” advice is hot garbage, in my experience.)

• This tweet made me laugh harder than I have in a good long time:

  Pragun Dua 🍟 @pragdua

  electricity went out and i had a small meltdown at work today

  

Housekeeping

There’s a new iOS app for Substack, which makes my life far easier as I subscribe to more newsletters and still aim for the elusive inbox zero:

If you don’t have an Apple device, you can join the Android waitlist here.

Also, thanks for bearing with me as I get the hang of this all over again! This being writing, formatting something for the Internet… all of it. You are all fantastic.